And It Hurts
by ColourMeChaos
Summary: "She's not mine and she never will be but knowing it and accepting it are two different things." A short one-shot about when Jacob first changes into a shifter. It's a little different from the book and is provoked by Bella's actions.


**Love. It Changes. It Hurts.**

**_You can holler, you can wail_**

**_You can swing, you can flail_**

**_You can fuck like a broken sail_**

**_But I'll never give you up_**

**_If I ever give you up my heart will surely fail_**

You know that feeling you get when all you can think about is the rising of bile in your throat and how to keep it from leaving your mouth? It is happening now. The sight of them, it makes me sick. There is a thick sheet of...something...lingering underneath my tonsils and it just won't go down. It's the kind of aftertaste you get when a steel tube is shoved down your throat and then pulled out again, brining all your insides up with it. Now is one of those moments. I don't know what makes me so angry about it so suddenly. I've seen _them_ kiss before and I've been able to put up with it and casually push the image to the back of my mind but this...seeing him touch her like that and realizing I can never make her feel the same way ignites tremors that roll under my skin. And it hurts.

_"More,"_ she keeps saying _"More,"_ she keeps moaning.

**_And after all God can keep my soul_******

**_England, have my bones_******

**_But don't ever give me up_******

**_I could never get back up when the future starts so slow_******

I decide that I can't put up with it anymore and leave. They don't notice me go, they're too busy engaging in some vampire foreplay and I can't care any less. She's not mine and she never will be but knowing it and accepting it are two different things. My breathing gets heavier as I drive back and by the time I've reached my house, the tremors under my skin have crept to the surface and I can see my arms shaking with rage, bones rattling. I shut the car door with such force I'm afraid the glass will shatter but my Rabbit's too nice for that. I try to keep a steady pace as I walk to the garage and busy myself with another car to distract me but it doesn't last long, my hands are too unsteady to redo the intricate wiring and I give up on installing the carburettor after 7 tries to rewire it into the engine. Rolling out from under the hood, I wipe my hands with a rag before the image of _them_ appears again. A growl comes from somewhere and I look around only to realize it was me, that I made the sound. Right now I don't care. My breaths start getting heavier all of a sudden and my blood seems like hot water running through my veins. I can feel the steel tube being pulled from my throat and bringing up all the madness with it and once again, I'm left feeling sick and ill.

_"More,"_ she keeps saying _"More,"_ she keeps moaning.

**_No longing for the moonlight_**

**_No longing for the sun_**

**_No longer will I curse the bad I've done_**

**_If there's a time when your feelings gone, I wanna feel it_**

My feet are like lead as I try to carry myself outside into the cool night air to relax me but I feel no difference in the temperature when I'm outside. Even the darkness doesn't help and the moon that keeps me grounded only looks deceiving now. The night is never this warm, even in the summer or during that Indian Heatwave a few months ago. Another strange growl emerges from my throat when I picture them under the sheets of her bed. Red rage mixes with the green blur of the forest and shivers fall down my spine like bricks to an ocean floor. I want to scream. I want to fry my brain with acid and erase that picture from my mind forever. I attempt to shake the images away and they disappear only to be replaced by the sounds of her pleasure filled screams. It echoes in my ears and I run for the forest because it seems like another world for me to hide myself in. But it doesn't help. The images and the noises merge together and no matter what I do they won't go away.

_"More,"_ she keeps saying _"More,"_ she keeps moaning.

**_There's a time for the second best_**

**_And there's a time when the feeling's gone_**

**_But it's hard to be hard I guess_**

**_When you're shaking like a dog_**

My legs go farther into the woods and I feel my bones start to shake with the rigorous movements but I can't care any less, I just want it to go away. All of it. I don't even think about the obstacles on the floor and the branches that reach out like arms trying to rope me in, I just run. The images pick up pace like a flipbook going faster. My roars get louder and more guttural as muscles spasm with the amount of work I'm making them do out of the blue but the physical pain feels like a massage in comparison to the torture my heart and mind are going through because of these knife sharp ideas biting my brain. I jump over log and experience a ripple go through my body, like an electric shock, as pieces of leaf fall around me. I must have hit a branch.

_"More,"_ she keeps saying _"More,"_ she keeps moaning.

**_You can holler, you can wail_**

**_You can blow what's left of my right mind_**

**_You can swing, you can flail_**

**_You can blow what's left of my right mind_**

While I'm still in the air I decide I'm too far in the forest for my scream to be heard and let out all the pain in furious wails. However it's not a scream that echoes and all I can hear is a broken howl shaking the leaves of the rotten forest floor. My feet hit the bare soil as I land and...I halt. There are voices in my head and they're not _hers_. The first thing I think is **_relief_**_._**_She's gone. It's stopped._******But then it sounds like Embry and Jared and Sam and Paul and EVERYONE is suddenly screaming at me in my head in a jumble of shrieks. Reality catches up with me quickly when the flipbook pictures of _them_ vanish and all of a sudden I've got four legs instead of two. I take deep breaths and it sounds like I'm panting. I feel different. I feel like an animal. Raw. Instinctual. Taking a quick scan of myself I see I'm not Jacob Black anymore, I'm a giant wolf.

**_You can holler, you can wail_**

**_You can blow what's left of my right mind_**

**_You can swing, you can flail_**

**_You can blow what's left of my right mind_**

* * *

**Disclaimer: I did not write Twilight, I don't own the characters; I'm just borrowing them. Also, all lyrics used in this which are displayed in _bold italics_ are not mine either and are from the song FUTURE STARTS SLOW by THE KILLS which I heard on The Vampire Diaries.**

**Authors Note:**

**I was watching a Vampire Diaries episode again and there was a song playing that I really liked. Of course, I made myself find it and when I did I just started writing. At first, it was just what was going on in my head and that was constant uneasiness at the days past events but somehow it managed to change into a decent idea of Jacob's first transformation and I know that the setting is completely different from the book but I didn't want to change it. I know it seems a little out of character but I guess you're a different person when love takes over. First time I've written in present tense and I think it's because of my VERY recent obsession with The Hunger Games (which now seems to be favourite book trilogy, sorry Twilight!)**

**Thanks for reading anyway, please review because it would be the tea to my scones. Thank you!**

**Yours Sincerely,**

**ColourMeChaos :) x**


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